Watch Full SNL Weekend Update – September 21, 2024:
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Welcome to Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for September 21, 2024. Hosted by Michael Che and Colin Jost, this episode brought a ton of laughs and political satire. Here’s the full transcript of their performance:
Michael Che:
Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update.
I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost:
And I’m Colin Jost. Well, guys, it’s 2024, but is it? I don’t know about you, but when I think of the year 2020, I never think, “We should run that one back.”
Che:
Would you excuse me one second? Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene said next week she will force a vote to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson. And if there’s one thing I bet she’s amazing at, it’s driving men away.
Jost:
Of course, with an election this tight, it is important to build out a more diverse coalition. And recently, Donald Trump has picked up the unexpected support of former Democrats, RFK Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard. He might even have picked up one of Jeffrey Epstein’s most esteemed former lawyers.
Che:
I’m no longer a member of the Democratic Party. This was not my party. I just felt appalled when I watched the Democratic National Convention. I can’t associate myself with the party itself. Don’t go.
Jost:
Biden also took time in his speech to say that shrinkflation is affecting Snickers bars and that people are paying the same amount for 10% fewer Snickers. And I gotta give him credit because it’s pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word “Snickers.”
Che:
Obviously, each candidate is going to have their own goals and strategies. For Kamala Harris, it was going to be quite a needle to thread. She really wants to make sure that Americans know her backstory, walk away understanding her policy stances, and make sure she needles Donald Trump enough to get him to lash out, exposing the flaws she sees in him. She’s got like two minutes.
Jost:
Is there anything else? There are some people who are worried that she might be over-preparing. Really? Vice President Kamala Harris praised Beyoncé for her new country album, saying she has reclaimed country music’s Black roots. Um, I’m sorry, Hootie?
Che:
After doing all that, Trump was encouraged to take a simpler approach. They expect some goading remarks from Harris, but they’ve stressed to him over and over again, “Do not respond.” If he’s going to respond at all, it should be with facial expressions, not words.
Jost:
Trump and his semi-humanoid running mate J.D. Vance will not let go of these disgusting lies despite the fact that everyone from the Republican governor of Ohio to the Republican mayor of Springfield has debunked them. But Vance says it’s not his job to verify what comes out of his mouth—it’s the media’s.
Che:
You say you have a responsibility to share what your constituents tell you, but don’t you also have a responsibility to fact-check them first? Well, I think the media has a responsibility to fact-check the residents of Springfield, not lie about it.
Jost:
Man, has any public figure ever been more off-putting than J.D. Vance? I didn’t think anyone could ever out-Cruz Ted Cruz, but this son of a bitch did it.
Che:
The FCC is preparing to criminalize unsolicited robocalls that use AI to impersonate politicians. But you can still impersonate Ted Cruz by shaving a sloth’s face.
Jost:
One of the founders of the Black Lives Matter movement announced that he is supporting Donald Trump for president, and I’m going to assume he announced it during a traffic stop.
Che:
Donald Trump urged his supporters to brave the sub-zero temperatures in Iowa to vote for him, saying, “Even if you vote and then pass away, it’s worth it.” Voting for Trump and then passing away is also what happened with COVID.
Jost:
After Trump was photographed with some strange red marks on his hand, some dermatologists speculated it could be something called “hand herpes.” What the hell is hand herpes? said Tim Scott. “I’m fine. It’s fine. Seriously, though, fuck that guy.”
Che:
What I do know is that Trump and Vance have no ideas for improving anyone’s lives. They don’t care. They can’t talk competently or coherently about stuff that actually matters to people, like food prices or healthcare, so instead they repeat racist lies they know are false.
Jost:
Trump will reportedly surrender next week, but his lawyer, Joe Tacopina—who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca—said that the president will not be put in handcuffs. Though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman T-shirt.
Che:
When Trump surrenders, New York City police will take his official mugshot, which you know is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I’m sure he’s hoping it’ll look cool, like Frank Sinatra’s, but I bet it’ll end up closer to Nick Nolte’s.
Jost:
It’s a scam. Donald Trump said that at the debates he wants both of them to stand instead of sit. So, standing is now a feat of strength.
Che:
Campaign finance records show that in the last six months, the super PACs behind Donald Trump spent $50 million on Trump’s legal fees. And that’s with the cheapest, worst lawyers on the planet.
Jost:
Can you imagine spending $50 million on the people who just lost you $83 million?
And the political satire continues with jokes about Liz Cheney, Kamala Harris, Donald Trump’s mugshot, TikTok bans, and more. For the full comedic experience, catch the full episode of SNL, September 21, 2024. Stay tuned for more Weekend Update!
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SNL, Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live, Michael Che, Colin Jost, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, Politics, 2024 Election